Wildflowers are made to bloom. We are made to thrive despite our circumstances, by accepting where we are planted. We are made to accept ourselves, the way we are without comparison and bickering. Enhancing the beauty of a flower next to you doesn’t diminish your beauty, it simply enhances the overall view!
I really struggle with accepting where I am planted, especially when it is so much easier to envision the end-destination and where I want to be.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that and I am learning to accept that. I am where I am, because of my past. That does not determine my future, but I need to wait for the right time and season in order to bloom and thrive.
The journey is about discovering hidden beauty in everyday life and bloom regardless.
Do we ever feel well-prepared for ready for bad news? I know I don’t, however, in hindsight, I always know God somehow prepared me for the bad news.
On Sunday morning at church, I bawled my eyes out over the simple truth, that I am not in control, despite my every effort to remain guarded, “seemingly” in control. A split second later, I felt my defenses rise up while I asked the very question: “What bad news is coming my way this week?”
How do we deal with bad news while trusting God?
This little train of thought led me down a rabbit hole: How do we deal with bad news while trusting God?
Let’s consider the meaning and implication of trusting God as a Christian.
What does it Really Mean to Trust God?
Oftentimes, I feel disappointed when I don’t get what I want. On the one hand, I know, I have a faithful Father in God that wants to give me the desires of my heart. I know that as I draw near to Him, I am being transformed into His likeness and by implication, what I want, becomes more in line with His will and purpose for my life.
On the other, I am fully aware that He knows better, He is in control and sees the full picture. He is sovereign and will work all things together for my good.
When Things Don’t Work Out the Way I Want them to…
Naturally, many things don’t work out the way I want them to.
When things don’t go my way, I often resort to scripture where bold men like Daniel’s friends in Daniel 3, acknowledges that God is capable of doing what I need Him to do, but even if He doesn’t do want I want Him to do in my situation, I will still acknowledge His lordship and authority in my life.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego answered the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to answer you on this point. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to rescue us from the furnace of blazing fire, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up!”
The below song from MercyMe appeals to the very essence of this scripture. So often times in this every season of juggling my hopes with God’s outcome, you will hear the song blaring in our home.
How does my Frame of Reference as a Christian really differ from the Secular World?
Apart from the obvious difference, in terms of the fact that as Christians we place our hope and trust in God, I started wondering how that translates in my day-to-day life.
It is easy to acknowledge the fact that God knows me inside and outside and use the fact that He is sovereign as an excuse to carry on without acknowledging Him in the day-to-day.
To me, this is the trap.
God knows me intimately. But He wants me to take the time and effort to tell Him how I feel. He has wired us to gain comfort from spending time with the ultimate comforter, the Holy Spirit.
I’m starting to realise that one of the ways the enemy keeps us from God, is by immobilizing us. See if we stay stuck in the “God is Sovereign” spot, without moving into relation with the Holy Spirit. We are left weak.
When we lean into God. Into His protection and His comfort, the bad news we’re expecting means nothing. It has no hold on us. Ultimately, we are reminded on a different, relational level, that God really is in control.
Around this time every year, I reflectively write a birthday post.
I haven’t written a birthday post the last two years. Naturally, 2020 is the ultimate time to reflect as we slow down in isolation and take stock of life as we know it.
The past five months have been an emotional cocktail of sort and honestly, I’ve overanalysed the present so many times over, that I’m feeling a hefty hangover.
So instead of taking stock of the present, I am going to venture out a little further and consider the last 12-24 month.
August 2018
August 2018 started with an anxious me, waiting for the family advocate to make a recommendation regarding Oli’s well-being that would allow me to finalize my divorce.
Instead it provided my ex with ammunition to try and take Oli out of our home environment, when the family advocate decided it would be in Oliver’s best interest to live with his dad.
On the 29th of August, we received the worst possible news, two days before my birthday.
That night, in between the worst kinds of ugly cries, Albert and I softly said our wedding vows to each other in the presence of our God.
Get Married – Check
I can’t say I remember a whole lot about that birthday, apart from the fact that the house we had lived in for the previous 5 months, was suddenly registered in our names and our home. (Give or take the next 20 years worth of bond repayments.)
Buy a Property – Check.
October 2018
September forced me to fight for my kid. I received the news that my ex wanted to obtain primary residence of Oli. This would imply that Oliver stays with him and sees me every second weekend.
In preparation for the court date, I cross referenced every single piece of communication every written between us, and compiled a report in order for my advocate to gather enough evidence to ensure my kids stays with me.
Today, I need to remind myself that I am more capable than I give myself credit for.
Mama Bear Perseverance – Check
The weeks leading up to the court date was excruciating, to the point that I nearly lost my mind. In that time, God was extremely gracious towards me. He taught me on a practical level how mind, body and soul are connected.
The likelihood of a judge overturning the family advocate’s recommendation, is extremely slim. That day, on the 23rd of October 2018, the judge looked at all the presented information and ruled in my favour.
Justice prevailed!
Win a Court Battle – Check
Get Divorced – Check
After our court hearing it took another year before my ex agreed to sign the settlement agreement! Thankfully our divorce was finalized, eventually in 2019.
Legally Married my Husband – Check
Which meant I could legally marry Albert.
In our minds and in our hearts we were already married, which meant we could save our money (and pay divorce bills) and have a simple ceremony on the day of our choice.
We opted for the 2nd of February 2020 or simply 2020-02-02. A date with a symbolic meaning and the key to a prophetic word that had been spoken over my life for the past couple of years.
My God restores two-fold what was lost. (Zech 9:12) He Makes us Good as New with a Fresh Start. (Zech 10:6)
Survive the Lockdown – Check
As an Enneagram 8w7, being vulnerable and losing control is pretty tough for me. Naturally, the idea that I am in control is a total lie!
However, I am only testify of the goodness of God during lockdown. He has provided more than we needed every single month as I found myself in a laid off from work situation.
More than that, I have had to look my husband in the eye and thank him for juggling multiple jobs in order to provide for us financially. All while acknowledging that I am capable even when I feel useless.
Embrace Difficult Relationships Despite the Difficulty – Check
Some relationships are hard! Without going into detail, I can fully say that I have embraced relationships with three of my closest family members, despite awkward feelings, anger and often frustration.
Beautiful Changes
In between the major changes and victories, there have been many less significant, yet beautiful changes.
Here are but a few:
Become a Plant Mamma – Check
I never believed I had any green fingers, and now, I am a proud house plant mamma, green house carer and gardening enthusiast. It all started with a little Monstera Deliciosa that I decided to propagate.
At the end of 2018 I designed and had my very own calendar printed. In some ways, it was a failure and yet, it is a reminder of what I can achieve.
Cheers to better planning, better timing and a better business plan.
Embraced my Curls – Check
During the winter of 2019, the thought of wetting my hair in order to have a ‘good hair day’ literally had chills running down my spine.
In hope of a better life, I was met with ladies who embraced their curls with Day 5 curls using the Curly Girl Method. Meaning that they managed to go without washing (fully wetting) their hair five days!
Don’t get me wrong, frizz is still a friend, however, my hair is so much healthier.
Do you feel the need to write a birthday post annually?
What are some of the little or big victories you want to celebrate this year?
Does the current lockdown environment leave you feeling less than true to yourself?
The last four months have forced me to evaluate the person I am and the things I want for the future.
Life has changed and for a split second (in the larger scheme of things), the pace has been so slow, that the thought of returning to a rat-race has me feeling anxious.
Feeling Like a Failure
At Work
As a person working in the tourism sector, I’ve been on edge, expectantly waiting for things to return to the “new normal”. I have also fought against personalizing the title of “temporarily laid off” by soothing my own ego.
In my Career
I’ve tried to find innovative ways to start a business; grow a business or find the next best thing to do with my time, skills, and resources, sadly without any luck.
At Home
The endless hours redoing basic housework chores, like doing the dish; washing; cleaning, and cooking has had me at my wits end! Not to mention the endless hours of disinfecting all things and the wearing of masks.
Managing the schoolwork; emotions and justified frustrations of a teen and tween make me feel ill-equipped as a parent.
Building irritation levels and worries about finances has made me feel like a selfish and ungrateful wife.
Here’s what I have learned:
Sadly, our occupation, whether we are employed and what we do for a living becomes a great deal of how we define and identify ourselves.
The title we call ourselves, mom, wife, or even divorcee gives us some badge of honour.
However, none of these things truly mean anything when we find ourselves at a really low, low. The honest truth is, that I have felt uninspired and downright useless in the past couple of months.
The more I tried to be okay, the less it seemed to work.
Being True to Yourself
The simple acknowledgment that I’m not okay, made all the difference.
Once I labeled the fact that I felt useless at everything that has given me comfort and a sense of purpose in the past, I was able to see the truth.
What I Felt
The truth is I felt inadequate.
The beauty in acknowledging the truth of how I feel brings an incredible amount of understanding of who I am.
Versus The Truth
I am capable and resourceful.
I am loved as a mother and wife. Valued as a friend. My family laughs at my jokes. And I am downright good at my job!
True to Yourself
Covid-19; lockdown and the economic climate in South Africa will not rob you of your true self unless you allow it to. It is time to cultivate the meaning of authenticity in pursuit of being true to yourself.
It is time to rise up and be who you were created to be.
(Un)Fortunately, this is a process of discovery, something that cannot be rushed because of time or crush with ambition.
It is a journey of self-discovery. An exercise in faith and meditative process.
I have felt quite a bit of anger; resentment and betrayal in the past four months. These prominent emotions have eaten me up inside and left me feeling lifeless.
The Strategy going Forward
1. Prayer & Journaling
I’ve mentioned the “Switch on Your Brain” detox practice to change my thinking in the past, however, never fully elaborated on it. The long and the short (for now) is that a simple 5 step daily practice and help you get rid of toxic thoughts, like feeling useless.
I’ve started the practice in last week and will publish a full post on my findings and practice.
2. Penciling in Tasks & Activities
Completing a task, even if it is simply to change the bed linen feels like a massive win at the moment.
To build on this simple victory masked in a little activity, I will focus on jotting down tasks and marking them complete in my Bujo.
3. Quality Time
Spend time with people who speak creativity into your life. I’ve noticed in lockdown, that it is easy to spend time with people around you – the truth is, right now, we don’t need quantity. We need quality.
The best advice I can give, is to think of ways to speak life and creativity into a friend’s life. It is contagious, before you know it, the whines of our current reality will make space for some inspiring brainstorming.
Cultivate a Meaningful Life
All in all, I have come to realize, that this little journey of self-discovery, is something I need to invest in. It is something I want to pursue on a practical level. It’s a journey I want to share and something I know many of us need right now in this season.
For this simple reason, I have decided to shift the aim of this blog? The days of being a mom-blogger are long gone. So too are the days of wondering what I’m supposed to do with this space.
Please let me know in the comments below whether this is something you would be interested in reading about? Which elements of the process intrigues you the most?
Most of us feel uncertain at the moment, roaring truth in the face of uncertainty, fatality, and economic disaster may not seem like enough.
Here’s the thing, Truth is the only constant.
Last year ended with a bang and it started with pretty much the same intensity. The effect of being busy or keeping busy at work means I haven’t published any blog posts in the last few months.
Today, I am sharing some thoughts while in the middle of the uncertainly that is Corona while sharing some of my inner thoughts relating to my word of the year.
My word(s) for 2020 is Roar Truth.
Even though I have been missing in action, I have selected a word for the year, something I have done since 2013. Every word, year after year, has been beautiful and applicable in every season.
This year has been no different! To the contrary, this year has me looking back, in awe at how fitting my word for the year is.
Background to Roaring Truth
To the end of last year, I listened to Jonathan and Melissa Helser’s podcast, when Melissa said something so profound, that I literally stopped everything I was doing, to allow the words to sink in.
She made a comment about how Jesus lived in complete dependence on the Father. She challenged the listener to go to the root of what we believe about God when we criticize ourselves.
At the time, I was playing with the word “Restore” as my word for the year. However, in that moment, I realised restoration will be the product of roaring truth in and over my life.
I remember even writing the word wrong in my journal, instead of writing roar truth, I wrote raw truth. Which at this very moment, makes it even more significant.
Unpacking the meaning behind the words
Roar
A roar according to the dictionary is a full, deep, prolonged cry uttered by a lion or other large wild animal.
– To roar is to do something. It’s a verb. It’s something we need to do.
– Firstly, it is described as in a natural state, without having been through any chemical or industrial process.
– In art or writing, raw is seen as something that does not try to hide anything about its subject.
– Something that is sore or painful because of being rubbed or damaged.
We’ll get back to the meaning of Truth!
In January this year, during one of the church sermons, the elder made reference to the relationship Adam and Eve had with one another and with God. He referenced Genesis 2:25, which reads as follows:
And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed or embarrassed.
Genesis 2:25
Just to give context, God had made Adam. He settled Adam in the Garden of Eden and told him to cultivate and keep it. God then saw that Adam needed a helper and so He made Eve. This was before the fall of man, before sin, before they were kicked out of Eden.
Being naked and unashamed was a part of the relationship they had with one another and with God. There’s an openness, a dependency, that we need to grab a hold of!
Truth
I don’t need the dictionary to describe truth. For many years, I’ve lived by the reality that there are many versions of what we see or know to be true. I instinctively knew that there was a version of the truth and Truth. God’s truth. Christ.
Sadly, I was okay with a version of the truth. Let’s be honest though, a version of the truth is not Truth. Truth mixed with something else is no longer true. Which makes it a lie.
The aim for 2020 was going to be, to return to what the Word says.
John 8:32 says it beautifully, you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. However, have you read the verse before this verse?
“If you abide in My word [continually obeying My teachings and living in accordance with them, then] you are truly My disciples.
Another well-known scripture reads as: I am the [only] Way [to God] and the [real] Truth and the [real] Life; no one comes to the Father but through Me. (John 14:16)
Hang with me a moment longer, when Jesus says, no one comes to the Father but through me, He wasn’t referring to our salvation or going to heaven. He is talking about the relationship we have with Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Father right now, here on earth.
He is referring to a relationship with- and dependency on the Lord, the type of dependency that goes beyond, our own ability to look after ourselves and our kids.
Roaring Truth During the Covid-19 Distress
I guess what I’m trying to say, is that it is time to believe in the Truth. The Truth that exceeds our understanding and challenge what we believe about ourselves, about society and about what we have come to accept as the norm.
My goal this year, is to roar the raw truth in a naked and unashamed way.
Have you reflected on your word of the year while in lockdown? In what way has your word held truth, meaning and guidance in the last 21 odd days?
As a psychology major, it feels like I should have been on the enneagram bandwagon a long time ago. Sadly, the truth is, the enneagram did not form a part of my curriculum!
Ever since finding out my enneagram type, I’ve become a little bit obsessed with it. In a good way!
What is the Enneagram?
Firstly, it is easy to classify the enneagram as a personality test, when in actual fact, it is so much more than that! It is a way of classifying yourself, personality-wise, however, it provides ways for you to get to know yourself. It helps you understand your motivations, which is linked to a basic fear. For me, it has really helped me gauge how I’m really doing based on what I’m doing! (I’ll explain some more later.)
In short, finding our what your Enneagram type is, is possibly, the smartest thing you can do while in lockdown!
It may just save your marriage! Or help you manage your kids a little bit better.
What the Scientists say:
Now that you know what the enneagram is according to me, here’s what the specialists have to say. Ennea is the Greek word for Nine and Gram refers to a diagram. According to the Oxford Dictionary, it is a nine-sided figure used in a particular system of analysis to represent the spectrum of possible personality types.
You may have seen the picture before, it looks a little something like this:
To be fair there are many resources available online! I don’t want to pretend to be any kind of expert. However, I do want to encourage you to take the test!
I’ve used a free online test. In fact, I’ve done a number of free online tests and made all my friends and work colleagues do the same.
My point is, that is a specific test I recommend. The reason why I like this particular test is because it gives you quite a lot of information.
Top Tips:
First things firsts, if you do get lost (I’m curious by nature too) on the Eclectic Energies website, you want to make sure you take Test 2.
Secondly, don’t try to remember everything. You won’t, even if you try. There will simply be too much information on the screen, most of which won’t mean anything to you just yet! Take a screenshot.
Thirdly and probably the most important. As a guide to this test, think of your behaviour in general. As we mature in life, we tend to learn how to compensate and this is a good thing. However, when trying to do the test, don’t think of your response in a particular setting at home or in the workplace. Some articles I have read even suggests for you to think of what you would have done just after school or university. The long and the short to this point is that for some of us, it is instinctual to answer these questions and derive at a full no-brainer kind of result. For others, it isn’t as easy! Which is okay. Taking the test is the starting point. There are other ways (like research) to find your type. (I will share some of these in a follow-up post.)
Enneagram Things
As I mentioned earlier, personality tests (MBTI, etc) is great because it describes you. What it doesn’t do, is help you find ways to grow.
Here are some of the things that you will learn as you grow in your Enneagram Understanding
1. Your Type
Your type alone can keep you intrigued for quite some time. I’m an Eight, that makes me a challenger. A, my husband, is a perfectionist or type 1. Understanding your type will give you insight into what motivates you. (Or your basic desire, if you will.) It will also provide insight into your basic fear – which explains why you do what you do.
If this wasn’t enough, every type behaves differently when they are healthy, normal or unhealthy. Which brings me to:
2. Stress and Grow Lines
Have you noticed the lines on the Enneagram? These provide valuable information as to how a person reacts when they are in a good space or when they are stress.
When Type Eight’s are in a good space, they take on the healthy qualities of a Two (Helper). Essentially, they become kinder to the people around them and less obsessed with the goal or objective they’ve currently assigned themselves to.
When Eights are stressed, they take on the unhealthy qualities of a Five (Investigator) which means we tend to become secretive and isolate ourselves, in the hope to become invincible.
Like I mentioned earlier, by keeping an eye on what I’m doing, certain flags tell me, I’m stressed or I’m in a good place.
3. Wings
It gives you information about your Wings. Now wings aren’t difficult to figure out, in actual fact, it is pretty straight forward once you know your type.
Wings are the types, right next to your type on the diagram. In other words, as an Eight, my wings are either Seven or Nine. (Or Both?) By taking wings into consideration, it explains why various people can be the same type, yet different in nature.
4. Instinctual Variant
To be fair, you won’t have the capacity to process on a lot more than your enneagram type or number and perhaps the wings for the first little while. But it is of immense value to make a note or take a screen print of your results in order to refer to it later.
Instinctual variants are yet another group of subtypes within each type. There are three instinctual variants as follows: (1.) self-preservation (dealing with oneself), the sexual or one-on-one (dealing with another person) and the social instinct (dealing with a group).
In Closing
I could seriously go on and on about the Enneagram, but to be fair, it is no fun talking about something on your own!
So here’s what I want you to do: Click on the link below and take the test.
In the comments below, tell if this is your first introduction to the Enneagram and if it is: What is your type? Alternatively, tell me what you love or hate most about the Enneagram.
I haven’t referred to you as my husband in 4 years, however, today seems appropriate, simply because it is the day of our divorce.
On 16 June 2011, we were married. To be honest, I cannot even remember the exact time we said the ‘I do’s.’
The day of our Divorce
Eight years, five months and 17 days later, the day of our divorce (finally) arrived. It gives me so much pleasure to say, that as of today 03 December 2019 at 12:14, I am no longer married to you.
I kind of expected you to be there.
Mostly because I was hoping for you to see the delight on my face when the judge confirmed the divorce.
You’ll be happy to hear, my voice was a little shaky as I stated my name for the record, however, seconds thereafter I calmed down and thoroughly enjoyed the moment. I enjoyed every, yes, followed by ‘that’s correct’. Most of all, I enjoyed the little giggle I uttered in silence when the advocate confirmed the current child maintenance contribution of R1.00 per month.
It was over pretty quickly. Isn’t it always the very long wait followed by a quick couple of words. There was more time and more money involved in obtaining the divorce when compared to getting married.
And yet, there were fewer words.
Even though I didn’t manage to say, “If it pleases the court,” I did manage a quick “Thank you, my lord” as I left the stand!
The Lies Over the Years
You’ve told so many lies in the 10 years that I have known you. It’s refreshing to highlight where you were truthful! I will start with the most honest thing you’ve said. Naturally, I am paraphrasing, however, I am sure you’ll remember the just of the conversation:
“This divorce will not be easy, in actual fact, I am going to make your life hell.”
I wouldn’t go as far as to call it hell!
Apart from that one time in last year, when you tried to convince the family advocate I am a bad mom. It’s funny, the whole paper trail from the Rule 43 application was with the judge today. His only comment was: “It’s about time. I’m glad this divorce can finally be resolved.”
Apart from that one interesting decision you made, when you tried to obtain sole residence over Oli. It wasn’t hell, it was simply irritating; infuriating and a royal waste of my time.
Thankfully you don’t get to decide!
As I was getting ready for the day of our divorce this morning, I was a little nervous. The legal system in South Africa has let me down in the past, as you well know.
Thankfully, there’s a God that restores what was broken, that heals and returns two-fold what was lost. His Word echoed in my ears I was getting dressed:
“Return to Me, oh prisoners of hope, today I am declaring that I will restore double that was lost.”
Finally, I am so happy to finally announce, that I am no longer bound to you in any legal capacity. I will acknowledge and respect you as Oliver’s father, but that is where it ends.
I wrote these words on Tuesday 3 December, after my day in court.Exhaustion and relief flooded over me.
The only thing worse than being in a toxic relationship is feeling trapped in it.
A Toxic Relationship
According to Psychology Today, a toxic relationship is any relationship that is unfavourable to you or others. My marriage was both! And sadly, I was stubborn enough to settle for far too long.
It started long before I was married
My parents split up when I was 12 years old. I was raised by my mom mainly and even though my dad is a caring person (with his own set of issues of course) I had serious daddy issues.
Naturally, my dad’s reaction to my post-matric career/study options, fueled the rebel in me, which lead me down a rabbit hole to being a mom at a very young age.
As a single mom, my greatest longing was to be apart of a functional happy family.
Disney fairy tales made me believe, that it was fate when I met my soon-to-be ex-husband in 2010. Not that I believed in fate, but somehow, I just thought the whole thing was simply perfect! Too good to be true, a match made in heaven.
I found a man that not only loved me…
But who also adored my son. What more could any person ask for?
The wedding date was set for the 1st of October 2011 when I found out I was pregnant in February the same year. Oli was planned, however, based on what I naively knew about older men (my ex is eleven years older than I am) I went off the pill too soon and fell pregnant almost instantly.
During my first trimester, the writing was on the wall. My ex and I had a series of massive fights to the extent that we broke off the engagement for a short while.
I was trapped.
No longer a silly teenage girl and yet soon to be the mom of two human beings. The thought of being a single mom to two was merely too much for me to cope with.
In a state of fear and delusion, I got married.
I went into a marriage blindly, naively, thinking that if I was in the marriage, things would change. I believed a ring on my finger and a legally binding document would ensure that I would have a person next to my side, who would love and protect me and the kids. In turn, I vowed to be a supportive wife and I honestly believed God would bless the marriage.
Divorce was never an option!
I knew marriage would be hard, but oftentimes, wondered if it was meant to be that hard.
A couple of months after I had returned to work from my maternity leave, I made an individual appointment with a sexologist. I honestly thought something was wrong with me. My husband expected things from me and I couldn’t deliver and the harder I tried to satisfy his needs, the less I succeeded.
Within the first year of marriage, my ex and I were in a crisis zone, spending time with a marriage counselor. This was the first and only time, my ex attended a set of therapy sessions with me.
In 2014 I found myself in psychologists rooms once more. This time on my own. I needed a professional to walk me through what was happening in my life and marriage. I was still in denial and believed that I needed to change, to be better in order to make my marriage work.
The crazy thing is, after a couple of sessions, the psychologist told me to get out of my marriage and file for a divorce.
I shot her down, stopped going to sessions and plotted along in a dysfunctional marriage.
A Sick Child
The following year (2015) Oli was diagnosed with Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis (LCH). A rare auto-immune disease/ cancer. At that stage, my ex was working on a goat farm, earning good money but working crazy hours.
Oli had a lymph node removal operations. I was by his side without the support of my husband.
In order for the doctors to confirm the severity of the disease, they needed to conduct a number of tests, including a bone marrow aspiration. Throughout the various procedures, with every doctors’ appointment, follow-up appointment and with all the bloodwork that was done, I was there with Oli without my husband.
In 2015 I stopped making excuses for him
During Oli’s battle with LCH, I managed. I wasn’t alone, I had the support of friends and family, but my husband was no-where to be found.
The realization that I was on my own, forced me to assess my life and what I wanted in the long run.
In 2015 my ex made a cash offer to purchase a house.
This happened around the same time, that our landlord terminated our rental agreement. Instead of being honest with me, he schemed and made me believe, he had the means to purchase the house. We were ‘homeless’ even though, we drifted between guest cottages and family homes for months.
Forced to resign
In September, my ex was forced to resign from the goat farm employment he enjoyed. On the one hand, I was relieved and thought our family life could return to some sort of normalcy. On the other, the financial implications of his unemployment was a huge concern.
We updated CV’s, wrote cover letters and certified certificates in order to give him the best chance at suitable employment.
His primary qualification…
For as long as I had known my ex, I was under the impression that he was an animal health technician, registered with the SA Veterinary Council as a para-veterinary professional.
When I couldn’t find a copy of his registration, I started looking for a copy of his animal health diploma. I couldn’t find it. Naturally, as a supportive wife, I went to great lengths to contact the university to obtain a copy of his results and proof of qualification.
The Final Straw
Throughout all of the above, I stood by him. I was ready to defend him. In my mind, it was us against the world.
My trust was finally betrayed towards the end of 2015.
My ex had found employment in a pyramid scheme company. His confidence boomed! He even believed he would be the next South African billionaire. Unfortunately, the employment offered commission only as formal income!
When I told him I disapproved, I was told that he would file for divorce if I held him back.
At this stage, I realised that I really was all on my own anyway
I confronted my ex about his qualification. I confronted him about the investment he had that would have enabled him to purchase a house cash, amongst others.
In the end, after resilient persistence, he finally told me that he had lied about it all.
When initial shock faded, overwhelming anger rose.
I started drawing lines between every failure or defeat in our lives and realised every single incidence, apart from Oli’s diagnosis, was directly linked to a decision we or I made based on a lie.
Getting out of a Toxic Relationship
I wish I could say all of the above was enough to convince me to get out of the toxic relationship!
The truth is, I didn’t want to get out. In my state of delusion, I still believed things would be easier, now that everything was out in the open.
The Psych Evaluation
I knew the lies were bigger than him. Perhaps I wanted to believe, there was an explanation to be found. Something that would explain the unknown! I wanted my ex to see a specialist.
My ex knew what my expectations were and yet he wasn’t willing to comply. He wasn’t even willing to try.
Advice for Anyone Trapped in a Toxic Relationship
I am the product of a broken home. My religious convictions kept me in a toxic marriage far too long. Fact remains, we need to take responsibility for ourselves, our own lives and our future!
We don’t have control over all things. But we need to be active in pursuing the life we seek. I will never be an advocate for divorce. I will, however, say choose well, make wise decisions and listen to the people around you that have your best interest at heart.
Creating space in our lives to be and feel inspired is crucial! It helps us to break up the mundane and revive us from within. I am also on a journey to document things, so it makes total sense to start a 2019 edition of things that inspires me.
Here’s a 2019 Autumn Edition of things that inspire me right now!
As the weather cools down and we move into winter, I am acutely aware of the fact that I go to work daily with sopping wet hair. In the past, this didn’t bother me all that much. But somehow, this year, I was intrigued by the idea that there must be a better solution!
1. Curly Girl Method
I’ve mentioned before that my whole beauty routine is very simplistic in nature. I don’t faff. I allow my hair to dry naturally and I have even ditched conditioner!
The change from what I was doing pre-CGM (Curly Girl Method) to what I am doing now, mainly entails a switch of the products I am using!
How impressive it this! “I have type 2C/3A short hair, medium porosity, low density and fine width hair.”
Here’s how my life has changed:
Even though the traditional plopping method doesn’t do anything for my hair, I dry out a lot of the excess moisture (water) in the mornings. Which means my hair is completely dry by 7:30/ 8:00 in the morning.
I use root clippings to assist in adding volume to my hair. And I am definitely not a great fan of the squish to condish technique.
All in all, I am still a little sinister about the idea of co-washing or washing my hair with conditioner only, so I am easing into it, by using an extremely mild shampoo that is free of sulfates, silicones, parabens and alcohol!
Interestingly enough, I have even bought a sample size gel, to test on my hair! Thankfully, it’s a fancy gel and not the flaky wet-look gel that you’re thinking of at the moment! (Promise!)
It’s a little strange for me to faff with my hair in the mornings, but the benefits far outweigh the time.
In time, I will reveal all!
2. Plant Fertiliser & Its Effects!
About a month ago, I used a plant fertiliser for the very first time! I can honestly say, it is the best thing I have done in ages! My Litroos/Christmas Cacti has decided to reward me with little budding blossoms waiting to bloom.
The Delicious Monster that I was trying to propagate suddenly multiplied it’s one aerial root into 10 different aerial roots!
The first image was taken on 14 May, the second on 21 May and the last image was taken on Thursday (30 May.)
I moved my Peace Lily from our living room, where it got a tad bit too much direct sunlight, to a spot right next to my bed. I am really hoping it will bloom in spring, but until then, I will measure its happiness by means of the colour of the leaves and the lack of brown spots!
Lastly, my newly acquired Pothos plant is too new to tell me if it appreciates my fertilisers, but it is happily settling in, in our bathroom.
3. Macrame!
There’s an obvious shift in our household at the moment. 1.) I am looking after my house plants. 2.) We’ve built a greenhouse and lastly, I’ve started playing around with Macrame!
If we are being more specific, I have started playing with macrame plant hangers! I am thrilled with the results!
Sidenote: I told a colleague I was finally becoming a hippy. She laughed and said, I have always been one!
4. Step Counting and Home Yoga Practice
I have noticed a bit of a trend in my life which makes it a perfect inclusion for the 2019 autumn edition of things that inspire me. It would seem like, autumn is a good season for me to get my rear in gear to start exercising/ eating healthier.
Historically on this little blog, I would start banting/ Weight Watchers/ intermittent fasting, etc in the autumn/winter seasons. I wanted to write a whole blog post about my new wellness plan. But the rebel inside of me refused.
I’ve noticed that I have increased my average steps per day with 2000 extra steps in a day since I started focussing on steps! That is huge! And even though I am no-where near 10K steps per day, I will settle for 6000 steps and gradually focus on increasing these over time.
Yoga with Adriene has also become a firm companion twice per week, to the extent that I can feel my body craving a couple of good stretches when I skip a session!
Since I have attended my second yoga in the park class over the weekend, I am happy to announce that it has been a firm favourite activity over weekends!
What are you excited about at the moment?
In the comments below, share your inspirational find in order for me to grow my 2019 autumn edition of inspirational finds!
Exam season is lurking around the corner! As a mom to a 6th grader, I need to empower and assist my child but no longer study with them. With all of the above in mind – here’s a free printable study timetable!
The transition between, handholding your child through the exam season and allowing them to learn, take responsibility and grow independently, is so hard.
Simply because we want the very best for our kids! We want them to succeed.
The first term of this year, I gave Logan quite a bit of freedom to study as he pleases. Naturally, that comes with consequences – ones, he needs to face. His grades weren’t what he expected it to be and in all honesty – he was disappointed.
How do you loosen the reigns without leaving your child to fall off the bandwagon?
Here’s my strategy for 6th grade!
1. Intrinsic Motivation
By the age of 12/13 years, kids need to work- and study hard for what they want in life – not because they want to please us.
They shouldn’t be rewarded for doing what’s expected of them. They need to develop an internal drive, that motivates them to work hard and push limits to succeed.
Paint the big picture for your child, in a practical way! Tell them exciting stories of your high-school years, attend the open days if possible and dream about the coming season in your child’s life with them.
We went to great lengths to attend the high school open days in our area, earlier this term.
It gave Logan an exhilarating sense of what is ahead! High school is fun. Open days amplifies the excitement of the new season that’s on the horizon while reminding the kids, that if they want to attend their high school of choice, they’ll need to put foot and perform a little from their side!
While developing intrinsic motivation, feel free to incentivise excellence.
The key here is to set the bar, within arms reach!
Our kids need to know we believe in them! We need to stretch them while, keeping our expectation realistic. It’s a fine line! Trust your instinct and speak to your partner, spouse or close relative about it.
I’m so pleased that our Capoeira instructor gave Logan an incentive and I am thrilled that Logan is excited about the incentive.
Earlier this year, both Logan and Oli set goals for themselves for 2019.
We also went to great lengths to organise and plan our strategy for the day to day activities of attending school and rotating classes
All of the above – are examples of executive function development.
If you have a child and especially if you have a child with learning disabilities like ADHD, you need to stop what you’re doing and start focussing on executive functions!
For your own sanity and to the benefit of your child – start teaching your child to plan, organise, focus their attention, self-regulate positively and all the wonderful things executive functions entail.
Stop what you’re doing and start focussing on executive functions!
Helping your child devise a study timetable is a part of executive function development!
It is a part of planning to study, keeping perspective throughout your studies and focussing on the bigger goal.
Start by doing the outline planning, with your child, in a calendar format like the GAP Calendar, alternatively, download a calendar page here.
Weekly Study Timetable
The weekly study timetable, allows your child to identify a subject per day, along with space to define what they would like to achieve chapter wise per day.
The daily checklist is where your child has an outline of three study sessions, with breaks, outlined for the day. The child is responsible to stick to these times as closely as possible, however, document the actuals against the planned information.
A blank version of the checklist allows you/your child to change the schedule to match your requirements.
The last tip is simple – keep in mind that your child needs your guidance throughout the learning process. He/she needs to be able to ask questions and believe that their studies are important to you. Having said that, they need to grow in independence and, therefore, accountability is key.
Each and every day, they need to be able to give you a breakdown of what they’ve learned, how long each chapter or unit took them and what they enjoyed.
We need to relate to- and empathise with our kids! It is completely normal to tell your child you despised history or math, but try to highlight the benefits of these subjects along the way.
Your turn! Do you make use of study timetables for your child?
And what has been working for you and your child? Tell me in the comments below.
We’re all too familiar with the general responses of a friend or acquaintance when we ask, ‘how are you?’ Busyness is a common theme of life, at the moment.
Do we promote busyness as an acceptable cultural standard?
In my last blog post, I confessed to not prioritising my time, despite my best efforts and intentions! I have noticed a major busyness trend in my life over the past couple of months.
Weekends have a general feeling of exhaustion.
We’re resting, in order to push through the next week and yet, by Wednesday, it feels like it should be Friday already!
I know I am not alone in this sentiment.
We’re too busy to connect with friends and family over weekends because we’re so focussed on staying in touch with our immediate families.
Rightly so, but, have you ever stopped to realise that we have been created to live and enjoy our community!
I realised the impact busyness had on my life. Which in turn led me down a rabbit hole where all I did was try to figure out, how I could restore balance.
How do we overcome the busyness epidemic of life?
Initially, this was one really long post combining work and home. Truth is, balancing busyness warrants multiple posts! If we are serious about establishing order in life, we are going to have to change our values!
Changing Values to combat busyness, Starts with Making a decision with your partner or spouse.
Al and I, made a decision as a couple, about the kind of life we want. We want an abundantly life – but not with material things! We want a full life, filled with love, laughter, authenticity and peace.
Naturally, we have expenses! Bills to pay and inflation that keeps us on our toes. However, we have decided that we will plan our lives around living a modest life.
We teach our kids, to work for what they want in life. They know not to expect expensive gifts handed on a platter. Our holidays are simplistic and nothing over the top, we drive second-hand cars and try as far as possible to keep debt to a minimum.
We look after our belongings, work in the garden ourselves and value spending time outdoors.
These are our values.
Keep each other accountable
Even in the midst of the values we have defined, we find ourselves, overstepping and keeping busy with things that aren’t priority.
Work is pretty darn busy for both Al and I! Both of us are in an interesting season at work, kind of like a career growth spurt. And as exciting as it is, this is a time, where we need to keep each other accountable! If we don’t stick to our values, we will literally find ourselves living parallel lives instead of enjoying what we work for.
Gratitude without Comparison
I had a meeting with a client last week and instead of walking out with the business answers I had hoped for, I walked out with my heart filled with contentment.
The just of the conversation was about appreciating what we have! Thanking God for answered prayers, instead of looking to another person’s reality.
The house with the Pool
My client used the example of asking God for a house and years down the line, being envious of a friend who has a house with a pool. Her argument was, that God had given me exactly what I wanted when I asked for a house! My friend may have asked for, which was a house with a pool.
She relates the story to a friend who couldn’t even swim and wondered what the purpose would be of having a swimming pool, when we can’t swim. Nicely said, don’t you think?
If we take it one step further, we could point out that a swimming pool comes with a measure of responsibility! Not only can you not leave the pool unattended with kids, you need to clean the pool, fill it with water, and keep it disinfected by adding chlorine and other chemicals.
It’s so easy to compare our lives with others, but are we prepared to take up the same responsibility or make the same sacrifices along the way?
I believe it is time for us to start practicing gratitude instead of comparing ourselves with one another.
How are you balancing Busyness in your life?
I will be doing a series of blog posts with practical ways to combat busyness! Be sure to find inspiration to live a simpler live at work, at home and make meaningful decisions about life in the long run.
Sparrow at Heart 
